Music: Weezer obviously
Feeling: In pain!
So just to start, I am in a hell of a lot of pain. Last night I had to pee really badly like all night. And the second to last time I peed I had blood in my urine! I have no idea if it is a UTI or a yeast infection (I was given two days worth of antibiotics last week from Jonathan's mother for my bronchitis). I don't ever want to experience this again just for the record. But anyway sorry if that was too much information, just had to get it out there.
On a lighter note, I love my friends. I love surrounding myself with great people from all over and I love what everyone brings to the table. I can not wait to be back at Purchase. I miss my Middle School friends too and my High School friends are kind of mad at me because I haven't gone to visit them up at SUNY Oneonta, but that's mad far! And I don't have money or a car! But I still love them. Hanging out with my old friends really reminded me of honest friendships and how much people grow.
Last night I got a little upset though. Jon spent the night and we were laying in my bed before he had to go upstairs (my parents don't let anybody sleep in my bed but Nachie, not even Ollie!) but anyway so we were just chillen and I was just thinking of my birthday last semester. I had fun and all but I just thought it was going to be more eventful. I don't think I would have had as good as a time if Erica and Anthony didn't show up. Everyone else just seemed to bail on me. I mean even Michelle, she didn't come over until like after midnight! And she only stayed for like an hour or so you know? I love everyone who was there like you Renee! But besides that nobody knew the other people who were there! People totally crashed my party haha. So many people that I invited just didn't show up, and Jonathan is guilty of it too. Him and I were talking about how he was going to make up another time that he bailed out on me and how awesome of a b-day gift I was going to get but he never showed (and it was in his place too!) and I never got that b-day gift. It just made me feel so under-appreciated. I feel like I go out of my way sometimes just to make people feel better about themselves and then people leave me out in the dust. If I didn't give so much I don't think people would be so close to me. I know who really cares for me and who just over looks me and it just hurts thats all. I don't know, I don't mean to be a debby-downer but this has just been on my mind since last night. After saying how I felt I was upset last night, and I didn't say anything, I had nothing to say and Jon said he will never do anything like that again. Which is cool I guess but that's not the point you know? I wasn't saying all that stuff to get him to say that or anything, I just felt so over looked. I don't know the little things really effect me...
Tonight I was supposed to hang out with my best friend Anthony. I love this kid with all my heart, he is such a great guy and a wonderful friend, always there when you need him. He called me a little while ago and he hasn't called me back with final details with what we're doing, it's been a hassel because he hasn't paid his phone bill in mad long so he has to use my ex boyfriend Colin's phone.
Oh man Colin! I wish him and I worked out, but he broke up with me because I was a virgin and he is 4 years older than me so I was 16 when we were going out and I would'nt give in. But he has completely changed! I haven't seen him for a while but everytime I do I can't help but flirt with him! I think I can handle myself better around him since I am in a fantastic relationship now and the last time I saw him I was with Tom you know?
Oh speaking of asshole, I got a text last night while in my bed with Jon and it was at 4:30AM and all it said was "Wow". Asshole, I can't stand him anymore. I just want to help him get a therapist or something but I can't talk to him its so weird. I kinda hate him actually. That's a very strong word but I think it might be fitting for our situation. I was such an idiot to put myself through such abuse, I can't believe I lost a full semester with my girls and my family and friends of my own. But what are you gonna do right?
Anyway, I guess I should get ready to go out, I have a feeling Anthony is on his way without letting me know so I should get a move on.
Oh and one last thing, I love that my cat isn't scared of Jonathan! He is usually such a jittery kitty but Nachos lets him pick him up and kiss him! It's adorable and it makes me so happy haha.
Ok bye for real.
Love and Peace
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This entry is incredibly long and feel only lengthy comments will do it justice<3
ReplyDelete*If it hurts when you pee and there's blood, GO TO THE DOCTOR. You can't fuck around with your vajayjay- if it's a UTI & you don't get a full dose of antibiotics, you could get a kidney infection! And trust, those are so not cute.
*I know you weren't referring to me, it was the people that didn't show for your b-day... but I tried really hard to make it special for you :[ I think you and I are very similar in regards to birthdays, big events, holidays, etc. We get so hyped up and have these great expectations for these special times that no matter what happens, we're almost always left feeling incredibly dissatisfied. Idk, maybe that's just me, but I thought I saw that in you, too that night. I totally hear what you're saying though, it sucks feeling like you've given so much to so many people and after all you've done, they can't even stop by for at least an hour or so to wish you a happy birthday. But maybe you could try really hard to see things a little differently [I'm trying myself!]: Instead of feeling hurt by all of the people that didn't show, focus even more on the people that were there totally for you [not lame party-crashers]. Even if that only means 6 or so people. Quality, not quantity, ya know? I know it's difficult.
*As far as Jon & your b-day, things were still developing then. I'm positive that if he had known that night how bummed you really would be that he wasn't there, he would've been there. We all make mistakes and we're all guilty of overlooking even the most important people in our lives sometimes. I'm pretty sure that Jon will make up for that night ten times over simply by being a better boyfriend than you've had in awhile. And that's pretty awesome.
*"I don't mean to be a debby-downer" Be whatever the fuck you want to- this is YOUR blog, babe.
* "I just want to help him get a therapist"
I understand your concern, you're a very caring person, but your sanity/happiness is far more important. He'll find his own way. And you're entitled to hate him after everything he put you through. So if you feel like hating him, even just for a little while, do it up girl.
*You need to stop beating yourself up for time lost. No one else is holding it against you now. It could've gone on even longer. You should be proud of yourself for getting out when you did. I sure as hell am! I know I've told you before, but I am, I'm very proud of you for making yourself your first priority.
I miss talking to you every day [though I will be again in a week!]. Hope these thoughts make you think, smile, or help in any way. Te amo bambina<3