"Don't Have To Be So Sad"

You and me we're at the goldfish pond and I,
I was tagging along for the ride all the big
mouthed fish really made us laugh
and while I stood still I felt a chill 
I thought that maybe you did too  
I wanted to feel that way forever
And that's why 
If you're looking at me
I'll try to be what you want to see 
and if I'm, if I'm, ever that lucky
You won't have to be so,
You won't have to be so sad 
You won't have to be so sad.
Last night I was trying to read in bed
But I got to watching you sleep instead
Even when I got tired I couldn't stop 
Because I love you so, and I pray you know
But I'm not much for praying 
I knew I couldn't say that without making a joke
And that's why  If you're looking at me I'll try to be what you want to see
and If I'm ever that lucky
You won't have to be so, You won't have to be so sad.  You won't have to be so sad. 
Yeah that's why  If you're looking at me I'll try to be what you want to see and I,
if I'm ever that lucky you won't have to be so 
You won't have to be so sad.  You won't have to be so sad. You won't have to be so sad.


Procrastination is enjoyable yet still demanding. Even though you're sitting still,
playing around withwhatever is in front of you, you're still detached, your mind
is in the clouds wasting away on the thoughts of what you should be doing while
relaxing doing nothing. Sometimes it is hard to procrastinate quietly because
inside your head there is just chaos that needs to be organized but you're too
focused on not doing it so it continuously builds up. Christmas is so close and
I don't have any gifts to give, even in these hard times I know that my family
still needs to be shown that they are appreciated.
One year when I was I don't know maybe 12, 13, no one bought a single gift
for my mom. It made me so sad, not one person. Everyone was sitting there
opening gifts and she had nothing. How could we have forgotten? Our own mother?
This year I really wanted to get her something special but I don't have a job and
weed seems to be the most important thing in my life which is so sad that I can't
buy her anything. I am stuck thinking of things to make that I know she would
love but I want to make her something that she can use as well which doesn't
leave much.
Just recalling on that Christmas is making me really upset. I know that everyone
is suffering from these hard times but I just wish I could somehow give my family
an ever lasting hug that they can take with them where ever they go and use
it whenever they need it.
Sometimes the holidays aren't all they are cracked up to be...

Rest In Peace Maggie

So because I was threatened with a suit I had to take down my post on Maggie. Point is I still miss her and wish I was there for her, even though I don't know who is threatening me, I would still really like to know her true cause of death, because i feel that it isn't fair for me to believe it was drugs (that's just what I was told from a lot of kids on City Island) if it was another cause.

Home?

So I am finally home!!
My sister ad her boyfriend flew in from Seattle yesterday morning and they came and picked me up from school today which was awesome!!
Something has been on my mind and it is about relationships. I just recently broke up with my ex of almost three years and it has only been a few months, about five and I just kinda wound up in a new relationship. Now why this is on my mind is because my last one was so bad at the end and pretty much a lot of the relationship was very hurtful on both accounts. I did shitty things and he did shitty things. I wish that I could have gotten the courage to have left him earlier than when I did, I think I would have been better off as of today. Coming home I realized I still had two pictures of him on my wall. I took the rest down when I broke up with him. I can't explain how great of a relief it was to finally be single.
But my dilemma is this new guy. He is amazing, he is really nice and caring and affectionate and hes smart and goofy and talented and everything about him is great. I am really excited to start this new relationship but I'm worried that he is too good for me. I spent a lot of my past relationship thinking that I was too good to be emotionally abused like that for so long and to have that emotion flipped on me is so strange.
I think that getting together with Jon now was good because break is here and that means we won't be seeing a lot of each other which I think would be better than seeing him 24/7.

Being home is weird too. I am excited for the holidays but I am not excited to be around my whole family. My mom is really hard to deal with sometimes and not because shes a "mom" but because thats just how she is. I miss my friends already and I hope that I'll see a lot of people from high school and middle school over break because it'll do me good to get out of the house as often as I can.

I just hope that this new year will bring better luck than what happened in the beginning of last year....

Reflecting again.

"Ohhh, I'm going southbound, ohhhh, I'm going southbound...Hey! you're not getting any younger, the wild west has already been one, Northern Lights are growing colder, and the old eastern ways are done" -Thin Lizzy.

So today is Sunday December 14th of 2008. I should be studying for my finals that are coming up but instead I cut my bangs. It's never fun to have bangs that blend in with the rest of your hair because they're too long, so I took care of that.
In three days my sister Jesi from Seattle will be home with the most awesomest boyfriend ever and it is going to be a well awaited blast! I miss them both oh so much, so this is very exciting.
The semester is over pretty much and it is so depressing to me to think that in a month this semester will be referred to as last semester. I look back on what has happened and it is insane that I missed a whole semester earlier in the year. My friends got closer with out me being there and now it isn't that it is weird it is just that I missed out on so much. This semester not a lot happened, yea we partied but nothing really really big (besides the fight) happened. I love my girls all 4 of them for all different reasons and even though one of them has been distancing herself from the rest of us I still love her and wish her well with her uneasy mind.
This semester has been hard for me for the fact that it was my first time being single since junior year of highschool pretty much, well beginning of senior year. Thats 3 years this past October. That is a huge change for me, I'm fine being single but I lost the rhythm of being single and the do's and dont's. It has been okay though.
It is that time to go get something to eat and work on some homework I guess....
-To-Be-Continued-

Sinking in Suxbux...

Here I am, sitting in a comfy chair in the Suxbux on Purchase College's campus reflecting on my past and anticipating my new future. It's sad feeling that rushes over me when I realize that not only do I not understand a subject I am about to take a final in, but that yet again another semester has just dissipated within a second of realization. Being overwhelmed seems to be the only thing to feel during these times. Christmas is in two weeks and I have yet found anything to make for my family.
Next semester is going to be worse I believe. Early classes are never good. It's just going to be one of those times when nothing is going to go your way and all you want is out but then again you don't want out because you want to experience all that is around you even though school takes that away from you. A catch 22 of the soul is what I say.
Somedays I wish I could just do whatever I felt I needed to do but there is no way to do it.